💍Jane Austen and the Brontes 👰🏻♀️Issue #15: Courtship and Marriage in the Regency Era
Huzzah to Knightley and Emma!
July 6th marks the day Mr. Knightly proposes to Emma.
"’I cannot make speeches, Emma:’ he soon resumed; and in a tone of such sincere, decided, intelligible tenderness as was tolerably convincing.— ‘If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. But you know what I am.—You hear nothing but truth from me.—I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other woman in England would have borne it.—Bear with the truths I would tell you now, dearest Emma, as well as you have borne with them. The manner, perhaps, may have as little to recommend them. God knows, I have been a very indifferent lover.—But you understand me.—Yes, you see, you understand my feelings—and will return them if you can. At present, I ask only to hear, once to hear your voice.’” – Emma Chapter 49
When I was researching for this piece, the general internet consensus was this was the most romantic of all of Austen’s proposals. Here, I beg to differ as Wentworth’s letter to Anne is more swoony, but this suffices.
The concept of modern courtship in the 21st C dates to the Victorian era. During Austen’s time, things were a bit different.
First, a couple could not introduce themselves, rather, they needed to have the introduction by someone known to them. “When a young man was first presented to a woman, she might curtsy or smile, but they wouldn’t yet touch or shake hands because that was far more intimate. Once introduced, the couple might talk to display their polite manners and knowledge of civilized codes of behavior. Female conduct manuals [published at the time] advised young women to listen intently, to grant men their full attention, and to not speak too much.” (Holloway)
Secondly, they could not use their birth names. Acknowledgement would begin with sir, my lord, or madam depending on societal standings and then progress to Mr. or Miss before going to birth names which were seen as a special kind of intimacy. Using first names also marked the relationship getting serious.
We see the various levels of intimacy in Emma in which Emma refers to Harriet Smith simply as “Harriet” and Miss Bates as “Miss Bates” and Mr. Elton as “Mr. Elton.” (In fact, in my research, I could not find many of the characters’ first names rather their honorifics and last names. If you know, post in the comments!)
During courtship, women had the right of refusal by discouraging the man’s advances, declining to dance with him, do not correspond with him, and turn down his proposal of marriage. However, once she was married, the power tipped to the new husband. Who a woman chooses to be her husband was of the utmost importance for once they were wed, she lost all power. We see this time and time again in Regency novels where there as much of a discussion on the gentleman’s countenance as of his fortune. A woman was lucky if her husband was amiable and could very well provide for her and their family.
Gifts were often exchanged during courtship. Items given to the women such as gloves indicated a road to engagement, or the man would give the woman a book with sentences underlined to make sure she was on “the same page” as him. She, on the other hand, might bestow a gift with her hair sewn in since this was also seen as being very intimate.
Correspondence had to be formally requested by the man with the woman having the power to decline. If accepted, correspondence indicated the relationship was going towards engagement. (Holloway) During the Regency era, roughly 60% of men were literate along with 40% of the women. Those of higher class were typically more literate than those of the lower class. Increase of letters due to increase of literacy and eventually letter writing became necessary between the couples for their intimate thoughts.
Bride and groom had to be at least 21 or a guardian could consent (Hardwicke Marriage Act of 1754). In Emma, Emma is 21 and Knightley is 37 and while they would still need agreement from family and friends to court, they were of legal age where no consent is needed for the marriage itself.
Potential brides of the upper classes, the ton, were presented at court between the ages of 16 to 18. Once she is “out,” this marked future bride’s standing in the marriage mart. In Regency romances, we typically hear about a woman being past her prime once she is over the age of 20 but the average age of a Georgian bride was 24 and the future husband, 26.
During the Regency era, the lovers would need a chaperon of some sort such as a relative, companion, or family friend and could not be alone. Austen does away with these requirements in Emma by introducing Knightley as an old family friend of the Woodhouses thanks to his brother’s, John, marriage to Emma’s sister Isabella. Because of this connection, Emma and Knightley are free to meet in private. Because nothing ever happens when a couple is alone, amiright?
In Austen’s books, the aim for marriage is more for love and not necessarily for increasing the family holdings but this is not to say having a match that included money or property were not considered. As we know with Pride & Prejudice, the Bennet sisters must make some kind of match where fortune is involved for upon their father’s death, as there are no sons in the family, Longbourn and holdings would pass on to the next male heir who is “most excellent boiled potatoes” of Mr. Collins. But in all Austen’s novels, marriage is the central them and the HEA conclusion. (Bailey)
The heavy regulated rules of courtship and marriage did not apply to Emma as she is of no need of fortune or unemployment. She is also quite happy running her father’s estate so there is no need for her to have her own home. Emma could remain a spinster for the entirety of her life and have no cause for worry about her standing in society.
In Emma chapter 10, Emma valiantly decries:
“’I have none of the usual inducements of women to marry. Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing! but I never have been in love; it is not my way, or my nature; and I do not think I ever shall. And, without love, I am sure I should be a fool to change such a situation as mine. Fortune I do not want; employment I do not want; consequence I do not want: I believe few married women are half as much mistress of their husband's house as I am of Hartfield; and never, never could I expect to be so truly beloved and important; so always first and always right in any man's eyes as I am in my father's.’”
But not all women in the Regency era were as “lucky” (if you wish to call it that) as Emma. Either you got married, for whatever reason, or you worked (typically as a companion or governess) or you were beholden to relatives to take care of you. Marriage was of the utmost importance in a young Regency era woman’s life.
Could I have survived living in the Regency era with my current temperament? While I am married in the 21st C, my education and my independence were, are, still of much importance. I’d probably end up as bar wench or some such. Totally a follower of Mary Wollstonecraft. Justice for women!
Could you survive a Regency courtship or marriage?
References
Adkins, Roy and Lesley. “A survivor's guide to Georgian marriage.” BBC History. July 2013. Accessed July 4, 2024.
Bailey, Martha. “The Marriage Law of Jane Austen’s World.” Persuasion. Winter 2015. Accessed July 4, 2024.
DJangi, Parissa. “These were the real rules of courtship in the ‘Bridgerton’ era.” nationalgeographic.com. May 4, 2024. Accessed July 4, 2024.
Hatch, Donna. “Marriage in Regency England.” donnahatch.com. June 24, 2022. Accessed July 4, 2024.
Holloway, Dr. Sally. “The Real Rules of Courtship: Dating in the Regency Era.” pbs.org. Accessed July 4, 2024.
Rosenthal, Peggy. “A Novel of Misreadings: Jane Austen’s Emma.” Slant Books. April 10, 2023. Accessed July 4, 2024.
Stone, Katie Stewart. “When Did Mr. Knightley Fall in Love with Emma?” absolutelyausten.com. May 21, 2019. Accessed July 4, 2024.